Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
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“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Every work call, he judges.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.