CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
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I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I’d love this…lol
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*