I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
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me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training