Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
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I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
President The Rock Obama
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on