I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
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A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars