Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
The glory of fall.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
#parenting
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves