Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
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A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
*Seductively hides in the woods
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon