“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
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*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I am also baked goods