Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
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*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Pandas 🐼🖤
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
mumsnet is amazing
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.