#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
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Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I know karate and tons of other words.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down