An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
You Might Also Like
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts