I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
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How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.