Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
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*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
#Caturday
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?