Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
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*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?