Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
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[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
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I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…