What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
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A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.