TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
You Might Also Like
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Comparing yourself to others
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.