fly smarter, not harder
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How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.