Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
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Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
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Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!