in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
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The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall