If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
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Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
This will never not be funny to me.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.