there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
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When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?