My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
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Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!