Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of NurseSeymour's best tweets

@NurseSeymour : Sorry I haven't returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

@NurseSeymour: "Size DOES matter", I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.

@NurseSeymour: Jamie on FB just took a quiz to find out what type of flower she is. She's a vibrant poppy. Weird, all this time I thought she was human.

@NurseSeymour: Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.

@NurseSeymour: Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he'll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

@NurseSeymour: You never really know how many inches you're gonna get or how long it'll last.

Snow, maybe.

@NurseSeymour: Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.

@NurseSeymour: Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?

@NurseSeymour: There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

@NurseSeymour: Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.