Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
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Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am