I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
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A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 馃槄
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
what鈥檚 really going on
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you鈥檝e got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Can鈥檛, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 馃檨
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it鈥檚 very confusing bc you can鈥檛 understand what people are saying
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Here鈥檚 a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Golf would be better with landmines.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you