If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
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[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories