Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
nature’s most graceful animal
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride