First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
You Might Also Like
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
War & Peace
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
What the dentist sees
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?