@OBiiieeee: cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
@OBiiieeee: girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to "constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones" they stop replying to texts
@OBiiieeee: Cop: where ya headed?
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
"thank you so much, officer"
@OBiiieeee: my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
@OBiiieeee: a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i'd be able to love again
@OBiiieeee: i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl's keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
@OBiiieeee: BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
@OBiiieeee: [trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no