Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
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If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.