*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
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wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
The best plant holders?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
so weird how every mom was born today
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.