I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
You Might Also Like
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*