Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad... no
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
@OakHill_: - First day of College
- Dorm meeting
Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
@OakHill_: *Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*
Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?
Me, from the commode: Guys... can any of this wait ten minutes?
@OakHill_: Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No... I just want to be smaller.
@OakHill_: Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.
*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
@OakHill_: *teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn't NEED a drug snuggler
@OakHill_: Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.