Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of OakHill_'s best tweets

@OakHill_ : If you kill the question, what do you bury? The question remains.

@OakHill_: *bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad... no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

@OakHill_: Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: ...

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

@OakHill_: - First day of College
- Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

@OakHill_: *Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys... can any of this wait ten minutes?

@OakHill_: Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No... I just want to be smaller.

@OakHill_: Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

@OakHill_: *teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

@OakHill_: FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn't NEED a drug snuggler

@OakHill_: Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.