Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of OctopusCaveman's best tweets

@OctopusCaveman : My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

@OctopusCaveman: Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

@OctopusCaveman: Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

@OctopusCaveman: Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

@OctopusCaveman: My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.

@OctopusCaveman: Girl: I’m breaking up with you. You only hear what you want to hear.

Me: Yeah babe, I have been working out.

@OctopusCaveman: Me: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: I’m an alcoholic

Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

@OctopusCaveman: Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

@OctopusCaveman: Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

@OctopusCaveman: Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag