@OctopusCaveman: My spirit animal is the opossum. They weren't meant to live in the suburbs but they sure figured it out.
@OctopusCaveman: [2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
@OctopusCaveman: Apparently, if a cop tells you to do something, you’re supposed to do it even if he doesn’t say “Simon says.”
@OctopusCaveman: I want a doctor and a lawyer to do commentary on Home Alone and discuss the severity of the injuries and the liability of the homeowners.
@OctopusCaveman: This Halloween I’ve decided to be the house with the king size candy bars but I’m turning my porch light off because I’m not sharing.
@OctopusCaveman: Next time someone finds me passed out drunk I’m going to ask “What year is it” and then scream “It worked” and gleefully run away.
Me: I'll have a grande vanilla latte.
Barista: Soy milk?
Me: Hola Milk. Una gran latte de vainilla por favor.
@OctopusCaveman: If children are the future, we're doomed. Kids suck at a lot of stuff. Have you ever heard a kid read aloud? It's a nightmare.