Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of OctopusCaveman's best tweets

@OctopusCaveman : Me: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: I’m an alcoholic Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.

@OctopusCaveman: Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive

@OctopusCaveman: Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

@OctopusCaveman: Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

@OctopusCaveman: Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

@OctopusCaveman: Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

@OctopusCaveman: Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

@OctopusCaveman: I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

@OctopusCaveman: If you serve a toddler pancakes, they’ll stay sticky until just after college.