Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of OctopusCaveman's best tweets

@OctopusCaveman : If you serve a toddler pancakes, they’ll stay sticky until just after college.

@OctopusCaveman: My spirit animal is the opossum. They weren't meant to live in the suburbs but they sure figured it out.

@OctopusCaveman: [2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

@OctopusCaveman: Apparently, if a cop tells you to do something, you’re supposed to do it even if he doesn’t say “Simon says.”

@OctopusCaveman: I want a doctor and a lawyer to do commentary on Home Alone and discuss the severity of the injuries and the liability of the homeowners.

@OctopusCaveman: This Halloween I’ve decided to be the house with the king size candy bars but I’m turning my porch light off because I’m not sharing.

@OctopusCaveman: Next time someone finds me passed out drunk I’m going to ask “What year is it” and then scream “It worked” and gleefully run away.

@OctopusCaveman: [Starbucks]

Me: I'll have a grande vanilla latte.

Barista: Soy milk?

Me: Hola Milk. Una gran latte de vainilla por favor.

@OctopusCaveman: If children are the future, we're doomed. Kids suck at a lot of stuff. Have you ever heard a kid read aloud? It's a nightmare.