@OctopusCaveman: When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
@OctopusCaveman: I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
@OctopusCaveman: Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
@OctopusCaveman: Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
@OctopusCaveman: Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
@OctopusCaveman: Having sex is like riding a bike. When you’re over 30 nobody wants to watch you do it unless you’re a professional.
@OctopusCaveman: My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
@OctopusCaveman: Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
@OctopusCaveman: Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast