@OctopusCaveman: Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
@OctopusCaveman: Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
@OctopusCaveman: Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
@OctopusCaveman: Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
@OctopusCaveman: I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
@OctopusCaveman: If you serve a toddler pancakes, they’ll stay sticky until just after college.
@OctopusCaveman: My spirit animal is the opossum. They weren't meant to live in the suburbs but they sure figured it out.