@OctopusCaveman: Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
@OctopusCaveman: Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
@OctopusCaveman: Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
@OctopusCaveman: My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
@OctopusCaveman: Girl: I’m breaking up with you. You only hear what you want to hear.
Me: Yeah babe, I have been working out.
@OctopusCaveman: Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
@OctopusCaveman: Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
@OctopusCaveman: Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
@OctopusCaveman: Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag