People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
You Might Also Like
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Have kids, they said
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER