Do one person every day that scares you.
You Might Also Like
The only good comments section online is on recipes
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
This is a whole mood;
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
peep davidson
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …