Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
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You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”