Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
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the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does