Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
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I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor