north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
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Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
October already? What’s next? November????
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss