[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
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I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.