I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
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Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Oh yeah that’s it
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Realize this:
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?