McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
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I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Sooo many times…..
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.