@OhNoSheTwitnt: [cat starts snoring]
[dog starts snoring]
[spouse starts snoring]
I would murder you twice right now if I could.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
"I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women's jokes on Twitter"
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: [screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
@OhNoSheTwitnt: [cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and...
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Disney: Just her mom?
Disney: Her dad?
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.