@OhNoSheTwitnt: David Duke says Jews aren't white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren't people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You're fired.
Me: So I don't have to work late?
Me: [winks at camera]
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
@OhNoSheTwitnt: [in court]
Judge: You're the prosecutor?
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I'm the prosecutest.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Just found out there's a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I'm like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: I wish airlines would stop calling it your "final destination" have they not seen those movies?