My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
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I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
then why did i get this email
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now