If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
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McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Mornin. * use accordingly
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.