Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
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it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works