IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
You Might Also Like
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.