First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
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I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.