I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
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Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I didn’t come here to be called names
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato