The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
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The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!